When a guy tells you he loves you one day, then doesn 19t call or text, or reply to your calls or texts the next day, there has to be something wrong.

It was coming. I felt it. In a month, this was the third time he needed a break. The only problem was, I forced myself to be blind. And of course, his repeated 1cthings would get better, I love you 1d didn 19t help the situation one bit.

I still don 19t know what happened. Maybe the relationship has run its course and there wasn 19t anything I could do to prevent it. I 19ve cried a total 18 days.

The first time we had a cooling off, I admit I was a bit complacent. I knew that we would get back together and after three days, we did. A week after that, after a case of mistaken identity (how was I supposed to know that the arm linked through his was his cousin 19s? The photo wasn 19t captioned), he blew up. He suddenly stopped replying, despite my constant messages. It was only until I called him when he told me that he needed time to think. Desperate enough and though I didn 19t want another 1crest stage, 1d I agreed. My friends and family can attest that I had a difficult time. I didn 19t know what to do 14should I think about the relationship or should I just get a life? I guess I did a little of both because during the day, I had my org work but nighttime was reserved for crying. Part of me thought that his reaction was overly dramatic but most of me thought I was stupid to make such a mistake. I blamed myself for the whole situation; I told myself that I dug my own grave. He himself said that everything was so perfect and then I suddenly had to find a problem to ruin it. Indeed, everything was so perfect and after that mistake, he wanted to question everything? What 19s worse (and I didn 19t realize it until the end) was that he actually used one of my arguments against him. During one of our fights months ago, I told him that I wasn 19t sure if I should forgive him because it would just happen again, repeat. But of course, I forgave him because of that four-letter L word that people keep talking about. He said that to me. He wasn 19t sure if he should forgive me because I just might do it again. Ouch, right?

After a week of thinking time, I was still as miserable as before. I don 19t know what was happening with him, he never really told me. Because I missed him and he didn 19t really want to talk to me, I would send him e-mails about what I felt, what I did that particular day. He rarely checks his mail so in a way, I was cheating. I was talking to him but not really. I still don 19t know if he was crying or he was playing ball; if he was miserable or he was working out. He still kept texting me asking me how I was doing, so at least he knew what I was up to. But we never 1ctalked 1d long enough for me to know how he 19s been doing. One night, he texted me saying he missed me, he missed talking to me. It was a ray of light. I thought everything was going to be better.  The next day, he suddenly texted me saying that he received my e-mails. I was at an org meeting that time. He sent several messages but two stood out the most. One was, 1cI don 19t think we should be a couple anymore. 1d Basically, he was breaking up with me then and there 14through text. I was so distraught that I broke down in front of my friends, during my meeting (sorry, guys!). I even texted him with a single 1cPlease. 1d He told me not to do that, not to go as low as begging. So apparently, I was above begging but he was breaking up with me (after a year) through a one-peso text message that was probably under unlimited texting. I didn 19t reply immediately after his message. I was too busy thrashing and crying at my friend 19s house but he texted again, telling me not to nominate him as a Candy Cutie anymore (something he wants. We have a shared vanity quality). At that moment, it seemed that everything boiled down to me working in Candy magazine.

Later he clarified that he wasn 19t breaking up with me and that he needed more time. I guess in his culture, the seemingly break-up message he sent doesn 19t mean breaking up. I was sad but after talking to my friends and sister, I knew I had to put my foot down. I told him that I was giving him more time to think, one week to be exact. He agreed. We were going to talk face-to-face in Gesu on Friday of the next week. At last a conversation that wasn 19t done through the complexities of text messaging. On Wednesday though, he texted me late at night; he told me he wasn 19t ready to meet on Friday. But I pushed for it. He was avoiding me, avoiding a confrontation. I felt that he and I deserved more that texting. We 19ve been happily together for more that a year, I wanted to fight for it. If he wasn 19t sure, at least I was, at least I knew what I wanted.

So we met in Gesu. I was ready for a break-up but I was more prepared to fight for the relationship that I loved. Everything turned out okay. We were still together. He promised that everything would be better. We compromised that I wouldn 19t be too jealous and that he would reply more and be on time. He said that everything felt in place, that everything felt right because we were good again. The sun was shining but it didn 19t last.

Two weeks later, we were as happy as ever. Or so I thought. Two days ago, he didn 19t text me. He didn 19t reply to my text messages. I kept calling him but no one was answering the phone. Eventually, I just got a 1ccannot be reached 1d message from the other line. There was obviously something wrong and I was oblivious to it. The next day, he texted me saying that he was again uncertain of the whole relationship. I was at the mall with my family, too stunned to do anything. I just burst into tears. He couldn 19t even explain what brought about it. I have speculations but unless he tells me, they will always just be vague ideas. I knew I could wait for it, I could wait for him but did I still want to? This was yesterday. I knew what I had to do, I just couldn 19t bring myself to do it. Or maybe, I just didn 19t believe it.

At 5 AM today, I told him that he had moved beyond the relationship and it was time that I did the same. Anyway, I felt that this was what he really wanted. He was just waiting for me to do it. He said it was the best thing for now. Okay. What hurts the most is that a year, that was so special to me ended with one text message. Maybe that 19s how he saw that year.

I 19ve been stupid, I admit. When a guy can 19t defend you to his best friend who has kept you up for a whole night crying, when a guy frequents your neighborhood but never visits, when he can 19t talk to you in person, there has to be something wrong. When a guy doesn 19t know what he wants, it 19s time to move on.

I 19m not writing this blog to backbite or rant about him. I 19m writing this so that when you see me in the halls, you won 19t ask me about him and when I tell you, don 19t ask me what happened. This is how I 19m dealing with it the only way I can, like him, I 19m running away.

*By all means, ask him for his side. This is mine.

Because my life as a junior is technically over (I still have to take that required Guidance essay on Friday), I decided to make a list of 10 things that I need to do before I leave, as in graduate from, Ateneo.

As I was talking to Raymond Ang, it suddenly dawned on me that I only have a year left before I finally break away from "chains" of institutionalized education (whatever that means). I realized how pathetic my life is that after 3 years of living in Manila, I haven't exactly lived in Manila. I was just living at home, sadly, studying.

I notice that I'm not really making any sense, so here, my list brought about by Senior's Syndrome.

1. Go to a bar (as in the jazzy kind, with the music, all. I've been to the kind with dancing and drinks and puke all over the tables).

2. Watch a major concert of a famous band! Hahaha I'm too stingy to spend so much on tickets every time an opportunity comes up (ie pre-controversy Chris Brown and Rihanna, Craig David) but now I realize that I want to, even at least once. P.S., I don't mean mall tours.

3. Watch WWE! I've let Batista slide, I've let Smackdown and RAW slide, NO MORE. This is it, even if i kill for tickets.

4. Ride LRT1

5. Go to La Salle! Damn, even after passing their test, I've never been there and some of my friends actually attend that school. Now that I've smelled isaw in UP and sold pancit canton there, I am ready to go to Taft!

6. Eat UP isaw. I chickened out when I was with Anne (aka Chona), Raymond (aka Peter), MM (aka...), and Francis (aka Boy). Multivitamins here I come.

7. I think I have to DROP BY Embuh... If Duey can do it, so can I.

8. Complete this list before i graduate.

An OFW kid?

Graduating?

Your OFW parents have worked and perspired abroad just so you can finish school?

Your OFW parents are coming to the country for your graduation?

If you answer yes to all of the above, give me a call (or reply to this blog)! STORYLINE ANC (highest rating show in the channel) is interested in YOU! YES YOU!!!

... hermaphrodites.

I'm looking for hermaphrodites for Storyline, a critically acclaimed magazine show on ANC. We need to interview a hermaphrodite for a segment. If you are one, or you know someone who is willing to share his/her story, please let me know.

We're very very desperate. But not desperate enough to use actors who pretend to be hermaphrodites. Thank you.

I am looking for the following:

1. Adopted person

2. Fortune teller (a credible one)

3. Part of a broken family

4. Someone with a disease, ailment, etc

5. 10 year old male kid, cute, bibbo, spunky (willing to be followed around for a day in school)

6. 20-35 year attractive male virgin.

Thanks. This is for Storyline ANC. Thanks guys! Please help us haha.

Hello,

I am not looking for a new boyfriend, I am perfectly satisfied with the one I have now.

However, I am looking for possible subjects for Storyline, a critically acclaimed magazine show on ANC. We need a reasonably attractive male virgin, articulate, and remains a virgin by choice, i.e, no weird illnesses, homophobs and the like.

If you fit the description or if you wish to volunteer someone, please don't hesitate to tell me (text me 0906-460-6515, e-mail me sashalimuy@gmail.com, or simply reply to this post). Thank you for cooperation.

Again, I am not advertising myself. This is not a classified ad. I am not that lonely.

Hello!

No, I am not looking for a new boyfriend. I am perfectly content with the one I have now.

However, I am looking for subjects for Storyline, a critically acclaimed magazine show on ANC. We need a 20 to 35 year old virgin male who is both reasonably attractive, attractive, and CHOOSES to be a virgin.

If you know anyone, kindly suggest them to me (text me at 0906-460-6515, or reply to this post, or e-mail me at sashalimuy@gmail.com). Thank you for your cooperation.

Again, I am not advertising myself.

Hello A1!

It's time to make this blog active again!

And I shall do it through a poem!

Oh A1 one for all

Oh A1 we're not that tall

But even though

We're so sabow

We're so damn pretty

Like a tiny kitty!

HAHAHAHAH

I have to know why I'm still here... Why we're still here... What else can I do to make this work when it's not.

P.S. I'm not about to take my life... I still have to win an Oscar.

Quite recently, a controversial blog circulated among Ateneans. A certain Tracy Borres went to her immersion (somewhere where Aetas reside) and barely came back to tell the “horrible” tale. For the benefit of those living under a rock, when Tracy returned from her “personal hell”, she blogged about it in her Facebook, and to put it simply, her experience was not pretty.

She was repulsed by the Aeta children who were fascinated by her because she “sounded like Dyesebel”. She was disgusted when an Aeta mother touched her leggings after picking her nose. There were no clean toilets. When she went home, she asked her yaya to disinfect her things, and she couldn’t even reply immediately to her friends because yaya was still cleaning her phone.

Is this the mark of a “true” Atenean? A woman for others? Based on the contents of her blog, it’s easy to shout “Of course not!” And many did. As her blog was reposted in other blogs, it also came with some additional comments—insults, exclamations of her elitism, and complaints of how embarrassing she is came in varying degrees.

Even teachers have joined the parade. It’s not uncommon for her to be the topic during class. Tracy Borres has become the perfect non-example of recognizing and helping the Other, a topic that the curriculum has been forcing upon every Atenean’s throat.

No, this is not a discussion of Ateneo’s foiled attempts at yanking servitude out of its students. And as a good pal, Raymond Ang said, it’s not a defense for her because admittedly, Tracy does have some nasty qualities. This is a realization of who, what Ateneans really are.

What did Tracy do exactly? Complain about how smelly and dirty the Aetas are? But every Atenean complains—about the infamous hell week (semesters), terror teachers, annoying blockmates, NSTP, JEEP, useless InTACT, even rain. And most of the time, they use even more vulgar words. Complaining is an Atenean SOP.

Question, why then are people punishing her for something that everyone else does? Was it because she was more upfront about her opinions or was it because she didn’t censor them enough to fit the Atenean mold? Or perhaps it was because she used the conyo-tic language which made the whole issue worse? Indeed, Tracy Borres’ reaction to her immersion was a tad bit intense but then one must not forget that that was how she experienced it in relation to how she was brought up.

Yes, Tracy insulted and belittled those Aetas in her immersion by saying horrible things about them. But then everyone who has read that blog also said equally terrible things about her. Is that her beating for her rather spoiled brat attitude? Not really.

By condemning her, one has also transformed and turned into a Tracy Borres, incapable of looking at anything other than one’s own beliefs.

The time comes for another unfinished entry in this so-called journal. Becoming a cliche, I just have to talk about journalism again.

Years ago, I've always seen myself as a journalist and this is a story I've shared many times were my journ teachers. Several months ago, when I took my first journ courses, second thoughts crept up. This was not the job (or concentration) for me.  But I realized in the end that my hesitations were a cause of another cliche, grade obsession.

This time however, my doubts are real. I was asked to cover the suicide of a teaching assistant from the Philosophy department. A "brilliant' young man who decided to end his life because he felt he would be happier that way. Well, I have no idea if he's smiling wherever he is but the people he left behind are definitely not--from his parents to his teachers, everyone is grim.

It's hard to ask questions for the sake of newsworthiness and, oh I don't know bylines and readership, when the people you're talking to are obviously in pain and you're making them experience that pain over and over again. It's like taunting death for a greater glory that only you (and your publication) and the satisfaction of gossips will benefit.

I could not write or talk about this. I know how difficult it is to evade a delicate topic. But a job is a job. When I talked to the TA's brother, I couldn't even look him in the eye when he asked about my angle, my details, my plans. Cowardice, yes, that could be a perfect description of my disability. But I don't believe there's anything wrong with it does not go against values of respect.

 I used to feel so unfulfilled when I entered college. Now, I'm being pulled around everywhere. I'm not sure which I like more.

When I entered college obviously as a freshman I decided to to be the best person I could be--even better than what or who I was in high school. Exactly how to do that I did not know. All I was sure of was to have that goal-to start afresh.

During Freshman Orientation, I chose all the organizations that could somehow lead me to that goal I so craved. However, having had an easier time in high school. I never had to audition. Nobody has ever tested my talent before. I felt overwhelmed by the requirements left and right that I lost my focus. I barely finished my requirements and I did not even plan to attend my second audition. Save for academics, I barely did anything during my first year and when that ended I felt as if i wasted a whole year.

Enter sophomore year. I made a vow to be more active that I joined new orgs. I think it was a fair balance of school and extra-curriculars. I really felt that I'm at least an inch closer to my pre-college goal. I'm finally working whatever "talents" I might already have and unearthing any abilities that might have been buried under. Anyway, I felt okay. I knew I could have done better; after all, there is always room for improvement but I felt that I was an inch nearer to my pre-college goal.

Barely done with my sophomore year, I could already imagine how my upperclass, Junior year would be like. IT WILL BE HECTIC. Blaming my inability to say no, I find myself an officer in three organizations. On the not so other hand, in the lone organization of which I am not part of the EB, I promised to be part of two extremely busy staffs. And of course I cannot forget the reason I attended college in the first place, I have grades to worry about.

I have so many things pulling me not just to my left and right but front and back as well.

Orgs

Plus academics.

Plus boyfriend (who will be equally busy cruising the streets of Makati and Law).

I predict sleepless night, tons of tears, and perhaps a possible nervous breakdown. I'll come into the year walking and I will reach the end crawling.

I have this annoying but nonetheless useful fear of disappointing or letting anybody down. Everything people ask of me I try to do to the best of my ability (but we shall take note of external forces to which I have no control over). I know that by the end of my junior year I will have accomplished the things I need to do in my org, and of course my classes. But by March 2009 I will surely have a billion ruddy circles under my eyes and probably thinner (oh, maybe just maybe. A girl can hope after all).

Some things like those are definite. Another certainty is that I will finish this year as unfulfilled as when this whole charade began.

I'm feeling a little bit crazy today. Someone, who apparently wants to get to know me better, kept asking me my favorite this and that... The thing is I don't really know. I spent excrutiating minutes just thinking up of answers but deep down I was unsure if what I replied was really my favorite food or my favorite movie. So as on May 11, 2008, 9:30, these are my favorites: Haha

FAVORITE FILMS:

1. Gone with the Wind (classic!)

2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (only Johnny Depp can make eccentricity hot)

3. 50 First Dates (any one who can be that determined is worth a second look)

4. Iron Man (I've been a fan of Robert Downey Jr since In Dreams and now everyone can love him too!)

5. The LOTR Trilogy- extended versions (Okay, so I'm cheating now-sue me)

6. Cruel Intentions 1&2 (very very educational)

7. Poltergeist Trilogy (there's something about cursed horror films that make them even scarier)

8. Raising Helen (growing up doesn't stop at adolescence)

9. Catch Me If You can (if only I can be that cunning)

10. Center Stage (everything I love all in one film)

FAVORITE ANIMATED FILMS

1. Aladdin (who'll take me to a whole new world?)

2. Cars (it's great to watch an Owen Wilson film without his nose)

3. Monsters Inc. (BOO!)

4. Lion King: Simba's Pride (who says love's just for humans)

5. Lion King (first cartoon to make me cry)

6. Mulan (girls kick ass!)

7. Finding Nemo (Ellen in girl-form!)

8. Shrek 1, 2, 3 (looks don't matter when you've got a good heart)

9. Hunckback of NotreDame (God help the outcasts)

10. Spawn (I'm not always cheesy!)

FAVORITE FOOD/RESTAURANT

1. Cyma's Roka Salata

2. Max Brenner's fondue

3. Yellow Cab's 4-cheese pizza!

4. Cibo's Pasta Al Nera

5. Burgoo everything except the meat

6. Mexicali enchiladas

7. Taco Bell chicken quesadilla

8. Jollibee tuna pie (i have simple tastes)

9. The Old Spaghetti House's ala monde

10. Popcorn (except buttered flavored popcorn esp in Galle!)